Help or Hinder?

Mental Pilates has been discussing the idea of Competing Identities -- Identities that take over our focus and ability to be fully-functioning TSA screeners. Sarah had brilliant descriptions of Competing Identities ranging from CEO of the Universe to Gloppy from Candy Land! I wanted to think of a few of mine, but since I'm no CEO of the Universe (instead, more like Project ADD Master of Distraction), I didn't quite get around to it.

I quickly threw a few thoughts together, trying to form a cohesive Competing Identity, and the closest I came to was this: The Eggshell Walker. (Like I said, I didn't actually get the whole thing fully thought through, and this includes the title; don't judge me).

I often feel that I live my life walking on eggshells, careful to never tip the apple cart, making no sudden movements, etc. -- choose your metaphor. All of this is in an effort to make people like me (don't say anything too weird or quirky around new friends! Don't appear too into a guy you like! Don't say anything at work lest it be stupid and wrong!). And the next thing I know, I feel like a watered down robot version of myself with no one ever getting to know the real me unless they wait around ten years for me to open up.

Then, during Tuesday's webinar, Andy said something that made me pause. He started talking about how our Competing Identities make us lose sight of our goals and thwart us on our paths toward achieving what we truly desire.

But hold up!, I thought. The whole reason I walk on eggshells is to achieve my goals! I want new friends to like me, I want to be in a lasting relationship, I want to succeed and be respected at work!

Granted, I recognize that Eggshell Walker ultimately hinders this process because I end up too scared to call people or open up lest I frighten them off, I'm so fearful of error at work that I rarely open my mouth unless I'm 100% sure of what I'm saying and it's been rehearsed 17 times in my head, and my crippling fear of failure often has me avoiding real life goals before I have the opportunity to discover that no one wants to publish my book.

So how do we reconcile when these Competing Identities actually do have the best of intentions... but ultimately lead us astray? If we're starting down a path saying, "surely this is the best method to achieving vitality!" at what point are we to stop, reassess, and realize we've somehow wandered off and are now bush-whacking through dis-ease? And how do we find our way back onto the path if we're the geniuses who decided to follow the advice of well-meaning but ultimately fraudulent Competing Identities in the first place?

More questions than answers here. Though this is probably just a symptom of my Project ADD Master of Distraction: ask a bunch of questions, go off on tangents, forget where I started, and then it's on to another idea. Oooh, look, a shiny object!

Good vs. Evil

Last nights webinar had many fascinating threads of conversation.  One of the most interesting was a discussion about the philosophical debate about people being good vs. evil.  Colin ended his Core identity Indemnification Statement with a phrase something like, "...and may I always choose the path of good as opposed to evil."

I responded with my assertion that "good" and "bad" are descriptions of the patterns that we develop rather than descriptions of our Core Identity.  I asserted that our Core Identity was at a lower level than these behavior patterns and was inherently rooting for the formation of "good" patterns; those that served one's health and wellbeing.  Colin retorted back using Hitler as an example of someone who had clearly passed over to the dark side of human nature.

We had to move on, but the conversation continued in my head throughout the night.  In the language of Mental Pilates I frame this debate as follows.  I argue that our Core Identity is initially "at the wheel" of the bus when we are born.  Initially, we have no doubt about our identity and purpose as we "drive" the bus towards that which contributes to our health and wellbeing.  We learn from our experience what it is we desire and what it is that we avoid.

Then, for various reasons, doubts about who we are and our purpose for being arise.  Doubt fuels fear and uncertainty.  This unsettling feeling dominates our awareness and distracts us from our pursuit of vitality.  Overtime, our competing identities gain more and more momentum until, at last, they have taken the wheel of the bus and thrown your core identity out onto the road.  One's awareness is now totally fixated on the agenda of the competing identity, which has co-opted your awareness and is off on a joyride.

Thus, the question of good vs. evil, in the language of Mental Pilates is; "Which identity is selecting the frames of awareness?"  Whose on duty?  When we let our competing identities do the selecting, we can develop patterns that clearly are "evil" in as much as they detract from the health and wellbeing of yourself and others.

From the Consulate of Mental Pilates

I hereby declare that my core identity has diplomatic immunity.

That is all.

Is it hot in here, or is it me?

I've discovered my identity icon (yay!). And I've long since known my happy place (cartoon yay!). But what happens when these two concepts don't mesh well together?

I've had a few stressors in the past week. Remember my father's evil cat I mentioned? And remember how I'm always complaining about parking woes because my beloved car only deserves the safest spots? Yeah, combine those two issues: devil cat urinated in my precious car. Words cannot describe the ensuing rage.

Quick: time for some Mental Pilates (and perhaps a shot of whiskey, but I digress).

Focus on my identity icon; think quilt. Go to my happy place; I'm at Disney World. Wait, what?

One does not wrap one's self in quilts at Disney World! This is ludicrous!

Maybe I need to stop being so literal. How about I think about spending time with Grandmother, the master quilter, and being inspired by her strength and love? In Disney World?

Ack!

Too confusing.

But at least it was enough to distract me temporarily from plotting murder on a cat.

By jove, I think we've got it!*

As I mentioned in Tuesday's webinar, I was still having some difficulty coming up with an identity icon. I was initially leaning toward Alice, but as Andy pointed out, my identity icon should be an inspiration -- not an image that I currently identify with because I'm also lost in my own world and too curious for my own good. They have a saying about that; spoiler alert: it doesn't end well for cats.

Yet try as I might, I just couldn't come up with an ideal icon.

I love WALL-E the robot's ingenuity and belief in love, but his best friend is a cockroach.

The Cheshire Cat is great, but he's even loonier than I am.

I suppose I don't have to stick with a Disney character; how about the mythical goddess Rhiannon herself? Sure, she was accused of killing her child or something, but I do believe she was eventually acquitted. Nah...

Hercule Poirot? I don't know; he was a bit too fond of his mustaches for my liking.

For every character or figure I thought of, after initially saying a mental, "yeah, that's it!" to their good qualities, I started to remember their bad qualities, criminal history, and possible substance abuse problems (Tinkerbelle hit that pixie dust pretty hard, don't you think?).

I was becoming frustrated, wishing I could just hand select the various traits and qualities I was seeking, creating a mosaic amalgamation of some perfect being that inspires me. A patchwork of pieces sewn together like Frankenstein's monster, but... you know... not a monster. Like a... like a quilt! Yes, that's it! A quilt!

A beautiful work of art, a result of hard work, and the combination of multiple pieces brought together to make an even lovelier whole. Something that reminds me of my beloved grandmother, something that has always represented comfort, warmth, and love in my life. I want to be a quilt!*

*I can use an inanimate object, right? Right?!? If you say no, it's back to the drawing board, and I can't promise anyone that I won't just go ahead and settle on Cruella DeVille; she had a pretty sweet ride and a killer fashion sense. You've been warned.

Cheating or Efficiency?

I'll confess that I haven't been the best about awareness journaling. It's not for the lack of awareness, the lack of love for writing, or even the lack of a journal (I have a lovely one with Wonder Woman on the cover; I'd say she's pretty vital, yes?). I just can't seem to remember to end the day with note-taking; I prefer to the end the day with a cocktail and TiVo, but to each their own.

As I sat this morning thinking about how to make up for weeks' worth of lost entries and/or come up with a good excuse (my cats ate my journal?), it occurred to me that, in a way, I had been keeping an awareness journal this whole time -- my blog.

I keep a personal blog that I write in at least once a day, sometimes as many as six times a day if the mood strikes. And it's just that -- my mood -- that really is the essence of the "frames" that Andy talks about.

I don't sit down and say, "okay, Rhiannon, it's blogging time. What shall we discuss today? Think, think, think... the weather? Okay, go." No -- I go about my day as I do every day, and when something catches my attention, or something has been weighing on my mind, that's when I pause, open up my blog, write it down, and once finished, then go on with my day.

A simple survey of my blog topics of the past week will show you that on Thursday I was thwarted by an irritation of my father invading my personal space. This was preceded Wednesday by my happy-go-lucky evening being derailed by my father's evil cat (I'm taking care of her for a few months while he is between homes) breaking glass and otherwise wreaking havoc in my house. It wasn't all negative father-related frames, though. I also enjoyed whimsical observations whilst on a business trip (for a good time, I recommend reading SkyMall from cover to cover), as well as warmth and a feeling of vitality from nearly being smothered by my large cats on a lazy Sunday morning.

Sure, these vignettes aren't being written down on paper with Wonder Woman boldly guarding the cover, and they're not specifically designed to analyze my daily train of thought, but much like dreams can offer hints to deeper issues lurking beneath the surface, I think that my blog -- even if the post is merely discussing the virtues of SkyMall's selection of spy gear -- offers much the same coded message.

And on the plus side, my blog always provides a filter for me to know when my thoughts are teetering on the edge of distracted to fully co-opted, as I realize that writing the third post in so many days on how I want to "accidentally" lose my father's cat would come across as just plain repetitive. Mental health/fresh topics for blogging -- whatever it is, it's more than Wonder Woman could provide me.

Curiouser and Curiouser

When trying to come up with my Core Identity Icon, my very first thought was to choose Alice (of Wonderland notoriety), who happens to already be my childhood (and possibly current) obsession and avatar. I thought momentarily about using Andy's idea of identifying my one of my pets as my icon, but while I admire Dizzy's (my Siamese) ravenous foodie love for all the world's culinary offerings, I wouldn't say that I also align with his phobia of pretty much anything other than food, a laser pointer, and me. He and I are both special, but in different ways.

No, Alice, though the easy choice, also seems to be the most fitting. I'd say I'm quite curious, often lost in my own world, possess a vivid imagination, and always attempt impeccable manners.

However, as I was writing down these various traits as a means of justification lest I look like I'm pulling easy answers out of my rear, I realized that all of these like traits were just that -- like traits. Is my Core Identity Icon supposed to be someone I identify with or someone with whom I'd like to identify in the future, someone I aspire to be more like? I love Alice and all, but I'm not sure my goal in life is to be blissfully surrounded by madness (even though that may very well end up being my reality).

For the time being, I'll assume I'm on the right track and keep going. After all, that's what Alice would do.