Good vs. Evil

Last nights webinar had many fascinating threads of conversation.  One of the most interesting was a discussion about the philosophical debate about people being good vs. evil.  Colin ended his Core identity Indemnification Statement with a phrase something like, "...and may I always choose the path of good as opposed to evil."

I responded with my assertion that "good" and "bad" are descriptions of the patterns that we develop rather than descriptions of our Core Identity.  I asserted that our Core Identity was at a lower level than these behavior patterns and was inherently rooting for the formation of "good" patterns; those that served one's health and wellbeing.  Colin retorted back using Hitler as an example of someone who had clearly passed over to the dark side of human nature.

We had to move on, but the conversation continued in my head throughout the night.  In the language of Mental Pilates I frame this debate as follows.  I argue that our Core Identity is initially "at the wheel" of the bus when we are born.  Initially, we have no doubt about our identity and purpose as we "drive" the bus towards that which contributes to our health and wellbeing.  We learn from our experience what it is we desire and what it is that we avoid.

Then, for various reasons, doubts about who we are and our purpose for being arise.  Doubt fuels fear and uncertainty.  This unsettling feeling dominates our awareness and distracts us from our pursuit of vitality.  Overtime, our competing identities gain more and more momentum until, at last, they have taken the wheel of the bus and thrown your core identity out onto the road.  One's awareness is now totally fixated on the agenda of the competing identity, which has co-opted your awareness and is off on a joyride.

Thus, the question of good vs. evil, in the language of Mental Pilates is; "Which identity is selecting the frames of awareness?"  Whose on duty?  When we let our competing identities do the selecting, we can develop patterns that clearly are "evil" in as much as they detract from the health and wellbeing of yourself and others.

From the Consulate of Mental Pilates

I hereby declare that my core identity has diplomatic immunity.

That is all.

Is it hot in here, or is it me?

I've discovered my identity icon (yay!). And I've long since known my happy place (cartoon yay!). But what happens when these two concepts don't mesh well together?

I've had a few stressors in the past week. Remember my father's evil cat I mentioned? And remember how I'm always complaining about parking woes because my beloved car only deserves the safest spots? Yeah, combine those two issues: devil cat urinated in my precious car. Words cannot describe the ensuing rage.

Quick: time for some Mental Pilates (and perhaps a shot of whiskey, but I digress).

Focus on my identity icon; think quilt. Go to my happy place; I'm at Disney World. Wait, what?

One does not wrap one's self in quilts at Disney World! This is ludicrous!

Maybe I need to stop being so literal. How about I think about spending time with Grandmother, the master quilter, and being inspired by her strength and love? In Disney World?

Ack!

Too confusing.

But at least it was enough to distract me temporarily from plotting murder on a cat.

By jove, I think we've got it!*

As I mentioned in Tuesday's webinar, I was still having some difficulty coming up with an identity icon. I was initially leaning toward Alice, but as Andy pointed out, my identity icon should be an inspiration -- not an image that I currently identify with because I'm also lost in my own world and too curious for my own good. They have a saying about that; spoiler alert: it doesn't end well for cats.

Yet try as I might, I just couldn't come up with an ideal icon.

I love WALL-E the robot's ingenuity and belief in love, but his best friend is a cockroach.

The Cheshire Cat is great, but he's even loonier than I am.

I suppose I don't have to stick with a Disney character; how about the mythical goddess Rhiannon herself? Sure, she was accused of killing her child or something, but I do believe she was eventually acquitted. Nah...

Hercule Poirot? I don't know; he was a bit too fond of his mustaches for my liking.

For every character or figure I thought of, after initially saying a mental, "yeah, that's it!" to their good qualities, I started to remember their bad qualities, criminal history, and possible substance abuse problems (Tinkerbelle hit that pixie dust pretty hard, don't you think?).

I was becoming frustrated, wishing I could just hand select the various traits and qualities I was seeking, creating a mosaic amalgamation of some perfect being that inspires me. A patchwork of pieces sewn together like Frankenstein's monster, but... you know... not a monster. Like a... like a quilt! Yes, that's it! A quilt!

A beautiful work of art, a result of hard work, and the combination of multiple pieces brought together to make an even lovelier whole. Something that reminds me of my beloved grandmother, something that has always represented comfort, warmth, and love in my life. I want to be a quilt!*

*I can use an inanimate object, right? Right?!? If you say no, it's back to the drawing board, and I can't promise anyone that I won't just go ahead and settle on Cruella DeVille; she had a pretty sweet ride and a killer fashion sense. You've been warned.

Cheating or Efficiency?

I'll confess that I haven't been the best about awareness journaling. It's not for the lack of awareness, the lack of love for writing, or even the lack of a journal (I have a lovely one with Wonder Woman on the cover; I'd say she's pretty vital, yes?). I just can't seem to remember to end the day with note-taking; I prefer to the end the day with a cocktail and TiVo, but to each their own.

As I sat this morning thinking about how to make up for weeks' worth of lost entries and/or come up with a good excuse (my cats ate my journal?), it occurred to me that, in a way, I had been keeping an awareness journal this whole time -- my blog.

I keep a personal blog that I write in at least once a day, sometimes as many as six times a day if the mood strikes. And it's just that -- my mood -- that really is the essence of the "frames" that Andy talks about.

I don't sit down and say, "okay, Rhiannon, it's blogging time. What shall we discuss today? Think, think, think... the weather? Okay, go." No -- I go about my day as I do every day, and when something catches my attention, or something has been weighing on my mind, that's when I pause, open up my blog, write it down, and once finished, then go on with my day.

A simple survey of my blog topics of the past week will show you that on Thursday I was thwarted by an irritation of my father invading my personal space. This was preceded Wednesday by my happy-go-lucky evening being derailed by my father's evil cat (I'm taking care of her for a few months while he is between homes) breaking glass and otherwise wreaking havoc in my house. It wasn't all negative father-related frames, though. I also enjoyed whimsical observations whilst on a business trip (for a good time, I recommend reading SkyMall from cover to cover), as well as warmth and a feeling of vitality from nearly being smothered by my large cats on a lazy Sunday morning.

Sure, these vignettes aren't being written down on paper with Wonder Woman boldly guarding the cover, and they're not specifically designed to analyze my daily train of thought, but much like dreams can offer hints to deeper issues lurking beneath the surface, I think that my blog -- even if the post is merely discussing the virtues of SkyMall's selection of spy gear -- offers much the same coded message.

And on the plus side, my blog always provides a filter for me to know when my thoughts are teetering on the edge of distracted to fully co-opted, as I realize that writing the third post in so many days on how I want to "accidentally" lose my father's cat would come across as just plain repetitive. Mental health/fresh topics for blogging -- whatever it is, it's more than Wonder Woman could provide me.

Curiouser and Curiouser

When trying to come up with my Core Identity Icon, my very first thought was to choose Alice (of Wonderland notoriety), who happens to already be my childhood (and possibly current) obsession and avatar. I thought momentarily about using Andy's idea of identifying my one of my pets as my icon, but while I admire Dizzy's (my Siamese) ravenous foodie love for all the world's culinary offerings, I wouldn't say that I also align with his phobia of pretty much anything other than food, a laser pointer, and me. He and I are both special, but in different ways.

No, Alice, though the easy choice, also seems to be the most fitting. I'd say I'm quite curious, often lost in my own world, possess a vivid imagination, and always attempt impeccable manners.

However, as I was writing down these various traits as a means of justification lest I look like I'm pulling easy answers out of my rear, I realized that all of these like traits were just that -- like traits. Is my Core Identity Icon supposed to be someone I identify with or someone with whom I'd like to identify in the future, someone I aspire to be more like? I love Alice and all, but I'm not sure my goal in life is to be blissfully surrounded by madness (even though that may very well end up being my reality).

For the time being, I'll assume I'm on the right track and keep going. After all, that's what Alice would do.

Journaling; its not so scary

Someone in Tuesday night's class asked to see some examples of awareness journal posts so I am going to post a melange of mine. I have been awareness journaling for about 8 months, and I slowly got past the point where journaling was intimidating. I actually like it now. My little disclaimer/remark is that this style works for me, but it may not work for you. I explored a bunch of styles until I found myself looking forward to the process.

1/23
Today must have slid by fairly unconsiously...I have no real frames that stick out. It wasn't a particularly good or bad day, I just kinda did it...I need to practice being present!

1/27
I am much more present/observant when walking the dogs. I noticed a great tree on Foss HIll that I must have walked by 1,000 times.

1/28
Picked up Lily from groomer. She was so cute. She always makes me smile!

When I feel like napping, I should try yoga first! Napping saps my vitality.

2/17
Big smile when seeing Anthony win challenge on Project Runway. Its silly, but it is just thrilling to watch pure excitement; even from a distance.

7/27
When Phoebe left I lay on my bed like a rag doll which was pretty unfulfilling. Called mom back & casually mentioned kickboxing. Did about 15 mins of kickboxing tape, made sound effects, defeated the funk.

Hope that scratched any voyeuristic itches that y'all might have as well as demystify the journaling process.

As I typed this up, I was reminded of a children's book called Diary of a Wombat. I couldn't find a great video, but since I wanted to share it, you can listen to this nice grandfather read the book.

Understanding the Connection - By Maureen

As I know theres no wrong or right answers is a nice was of allowing us all to feel we can say anything we want.   But we all know how thats not always ok.   I guess this is the safe place to be able to do so.   Being forced to write down the times in our life we felt most connected is like going to the gym.   Don't really want to go but once I'm there I'm fine...usually.   I'm always tempted to put myself down for what I didn't do and less apt to pat myself on the back for all that I've accomplished.   I feel like I'm working my way back to the" happy place".   Life's tragedies seem to have taken a front seat for so long it's changed who I am.   Not a bad person, but not the go getting, fun loving person everyone used to love to be around.   I'd rather just stay home and be alone sometimes rather than go out and have to put on a show.   

Today, being my birthday I reflect on how it used to be so much fun, so many friends calling and singing (horribly  lol) is getting less and less with each passing year.   I remember in younger years I celebrated throughout the month because everyone wanted to show their appreciation and love for me that I and dubbed the month Motober.   That was the same year it rolled into Movember!   So many friends, so little time!  Where do they go as we get older?   And then I realize, they may be feeling they're own struggles.   Not that they dont want to or they forget but they're just like me only with familes and extended familes, how can they find the time?   It makes me feel better understanding I'm not alone, and I'm not the only one who struggles with the changing of responsibilites with each passing year.   

It is my turn to take charge and understand we're all in this together.   The gift I now have and the responsibility to be there as challenging as it may be is to be well and not take things personally.   I have this to offer (MP)!   I have shared this program with quite a few people who I think may gain strength in using these tools for a more peaceful life...and those that will say "I'm just too busy".    I understand that bringing myself back to those days when I felt an true sense of self and love within will be and always has been my gift.   I just got lost for awhile.   I truly can understand the connection and why I'm here, I just need to be disciplined in encourage myself to not be afraid.


Maureen

Think of a wonderful thought, any happy little thought...

Saturday evening I came home to find my neighbour again parked in my spot. This would be the fourth time in less than two weeks. I angrily parked directly behind her, blocking her in, swearing as I did so and mentally daring her to wake me up the next morning to ask me to move. That night, as I laid in bed trying to sleep, I found that I couldn't -- all I could think of over and over and over again was what I would say to this [redacted] should she try and confront me.

I realized at that moment that I was most certainly in a state of disease and decided to use this opportunity to work on this week's exercises two and three -- trying to rein in my unhappy thoughts that were quickly spiraling out of control from a merely heated conversation to sudden thoughts of sugar in gas tanks.

Exercise #2: Recalling a moment of being at ease -- "at ease" as defined by being "fully aware and just taking in experience, absent any anxiety, fear or
doubt."

Alright, I said to myself as I tossed and turned and simmered, I can do this. What's a pretty great "at ease" moment that I can recall? How about Disney World? I'm always at ease and fully immersed in enjoying the moment there. Disney World is most certainly my happy place.

Disney World Disney World Disney World. Focusing. Happy. One does not have to worry about cars and parking spots in Disney World. Happy happy Disney World. Yes.

But wait -- wasn't the point of this exercise to be present in the moment? I'm not presently in Disney World (unfortunately). And the moment I am in, well... it's causing me anxiety!

I was back to being completely awake and seething.

How about we skip ahead to Exercise #3: Developing a procedure to bring me back to a state of ease. And lo, what's this? Andy says, "There is no right or wrong method of achieving this state of being." Sweet! It's fool-proof! Y'all know what that means: back to Disney World I mentally go!

And so I did. I pictured the bright, technicolour setting, the familiar songs played out over the parks, the smells of old fashioned candy shoppes and popcorn stands, and the general feeling that you're in a magical land where there is no negativity, no sadness, your neighbours invite you to mad tea parties, and everything has a happy ending.

I feel like Exercise #2 versus Exercise #3 is the equivalent of the time-old choice: (mental) fight or flight? I chose flight -- enhanced with pixie dust and getting "You can fly, you can fly, you can fly!" stuck in my head.

Ultimately I fell asleep with a smile on my face. (I wish I could say I dreamed that night of mermaids and mischievous ticking crocodiles, but instead I had a nightmare that my car was destroyed in a volcanic eruption; baby steps to mental tranquility... baby steps...). I'm not sure I entirely captured the point of Exercise #2, but if I'm really getting the hang of #3, that must count for something, right? At least, that's what I tell myself in order to sleep at night whilst humming Disney tunes.

There are no bad dogs -- just bad-ish dogs

I wanted to take a moment to expound upon a concept brought up during Tuesday's webinar: Andy thinks there are no "bad" core qualities? Hold the phone...

I'm not here to assert how we inherit our intrinsic values -- be it genetic predispositions, the tabula rasa affected by environmental factors, or a horned god with a magic wand. But regardless of which way you slice it, there's good and bad.

If you'd like to make the argument that I was born with an intrinsic creative side, why can't we also say that I was born with an intrinsic antisocial side?

Likewise if you're batting for the nurture over nature, just as I've developed psychological patterns to make me a humourous person, so too have I developed psychological patterns to make me want to throw walnuts at my neighbours when they park in my spot.

And the horned god argument, well... maybe he's more of a wild card.

But there's a balance, a yin and a yang. The same sources that make us loving people (whether it's genes, upbringing, or celestial pixie dust) have the same ability to make us untrusting or selfish.

Granted I don't think we need to harp on these negative aspects or use them as excuses for bad behaviour (gee, I'm sorry I threw that walnut through your windshield, Shayla, but I was born with deeply territorial instincts; now move your car), but I do think we need to acknowledge that they exist.

If you don't, I'm going back to my original assertion that I'll just say that all of my positive qualities are core qualities and the bad stuff is junk labeling; don't make a cheater out of me!