Saturday evening I came home to find my neighbour again parked in my spot. This would be the fourth time in less than two weeks. I angrily parked directly behind her, blocking her in, swearing as I did so and mentally daring her to wake me up the next morning to ask me to move. That night, as I laid in bed trying to sleep, I found that I couldn't -- all I could think of over and over and over again was what I would say to this [redacted] should she try and confront me.
I realized at that moment that I was most certainly in a state of disease and decided to use this opportunity to work on this week's exercises two and three -- trying to rein in my unhappy thoughts that were quickly spiraling out of control from a merely heated conversation to sudden thoughts of sugar in gas tanks.
Exercise #2: Recalling a moment of being at ease -- "at ease" as defined by being "fully aware and just taking in experience, absent any anxiety, fear or
doubt."
Alright, I said to myself as I tossed and turned and simmered, I can do this. What's a pretty great "at ease" moment that I can recall? How about Disney World? I'm always at ease and fully immersed in enjoying the moment there. Disney World is most certainly my happy place.
Disney World Disney World Disney World. Focusing. Happy. One does not have to worry about cars and parking spots in Disney World. Happy happy Disney World. Yes.
But wait -- wasn't the point of this exercise to be present in the moment? I'm not presently in Disney World (unfortunately). And the moment I am in, well... it's causing me anxiety!
I was back to being completely awake and seething.
How about we skip ahead to Exercise #3: Developing a procedure to bring me back to a state of ease. And lo, what's this? Andy says, "There is no right or wrong method of achieving this state of being." Sweet! It's fool-proof! Y'all know what that means: back to Disney World I mentally go!
And so I did. I pictured the bright, technicolour setting, the familiar songs played out over the parks, the smells of old fashioned candy shoppes and popcorn stands, and the general feeling that you're in a magical land where there is no negativity, no sadness, your neighbours invite you to mad tea parties, and everything has a happy ending.
I feel like Exercise #2 versus Exercise #3 is the equivalent of the time-old choice: (mental) fight or flight? I chose flight -- enhanced with pixie dust and getting "You can fly, you can fly, you can fly!" stuck in my head.
Ultimately I fell asleep with a smile on my face. (I wish I could say I dreamed that night of mermaids and mischievous ticking crocodiles, but instead I had a nightmare that my car was destroyed in a volcanic eruption; baby steps to mental tranquility... baby steps...). I'm not sure I entirely captured the point of Exercise #2, but if I'm really getting the hang of #3, that must count for something, right? At least, that's what I tell myself in order to sleep at night whilst humming Disney tunes.
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I'm really aggrivated with your neighbor too! Don't even know her but I can't stand people who are so inconsiderate. I feel bad, so seeing I can't figure out how to post my own blog here I'll just go with commenting on yours for now. I will send some positive energy your well as well as hers.
ReplyDeleteMy favorite memories didn't come flooding in but I do remember one day when I was really young, leaning down to tie my laces as I was getting ready to go for a run. Early morning sun, quiet in the neighborhood and I felt so happy and lucky to be able to be doing what I was doing. I was surrounded by peace. Someone else (mom) was working hard for my benefit and I so looked forward to returning the favor someday. When that day didn't come I transfered that energy towards others. Some much like your neighbor. They do exist and if we could only convert them! I'm glad to be here so I can find that young girl. I still see the good side in lots of people that aren't so nice, it's just harder.
I like being in my massage room...low lights, candles and incense and no one ever complains that you missed a spot unlike my cleaning business. That is when I'm in my element of true peace and a helpful nature radiates out of every pore. There are days even then when I feel I wish I could be taken care of as well.
Am I doing this right or am I just complaining?
I have happy place schizophrenia. It sounds like both Maureen and Rhiannon have picked very evocative (in a good way) memories for themselves. I have a bunch of memory snippets, but I can't seem to pick one to elaborate on. I generally have trouble picking a favorite when there is a collection of things I like. Is it important to select one moment at ease? I gave this a lot of thought because it was better than trying to figure out how I can be in two places at 7:00am tomorrow (at this point I would give my right arm - I am a leftie - for Hermione Granger's time turner). I can understand the benefits of picking one or maybe 2 moments of ease so that they can be fully developed to include olfactory (although I learned in neuroscience that we cannot imagine smells), tactile, auditory, visual, emotional and spiritual cues. What if we can't choose one to flesh out though?
ReplyDeleteFor now I have a collage of happy prompts that I can look at in a moment of doubt. I look forward to class tonight when I can talk to the group about whether or not I have to decide.
Some items on my collage:
Cuddling with miss lily (my puppy) under my duvet on a cold morning, the feeling of bliss at the end of a yoga class, turning the 70 page grant into DPH, the jellyfish cake on my 22nd birthday, our footie pajama photo shoot at 23 vine, the feeling that I'm heading in the right direction that I got after my first business school class, drift diving, the smooth rhythm of a steady state row, squirting misty with the hose, dancing in my pheonix costume at senior cocktails...the list goes on. Pretty great life, eh? But how do I choose a memory so that I can rise above the tough spots?
Well, well. It seems that this blog is becoming what I imagined! Great, great dialog!
ReplyDeleteThe thought that came to me this morning is that we often get OUTCOME mixed up with IDENTITY. Yes, Rhiannon definitely encountered an unpleasant OUTCOME; being her neighbor's inconsiderate behavior. The feeling this elicits are really real feelings. When you "check in" on the situation and review the facts...5th time in week she parks in your spot...you feel your feelings of anger and frustration are appropriate and accurate. And indeed, they are. But, while the reaction is appropriate and accurate; the re-reaction and the re-re-reaction and the re-re-re-re-re-re-reactions are just the work of the emotion itself attempting to persist itself and grow strong enough to co-opt the entire bandwidth of your awareness. It is how negative emotions work, they escalate the frames of awareness the need to exist to the top of your awareness shopping list.
And this is where the problem arises. Take any fear, anxiety or doubt. Each one is real! Each one is appropriate and accurate. Each time we check in, we affirm the reality that this fear, anxiety or doubt is justified. But these fears, anxieties and doubts cheat and move their "frames" to the top of your awareness shopping list. So, if you are anxious about social interaction, for example, you find evidence everywhere you look that verifies your suspicion of having social anxiety. And that is the trap. It is when we confuse OUTCOME with IDENTITY. We have determined a long list of OUTCOMES that make us feel anxious and drew the conclusion that I (i.e my IDENTITY} is somehow genetically predisposed to social anxiety.
I do not believe it is a genetic predisposition, but rather a "runaway" emotion that has spiraled out of control and grown to a point where it has consumed a disproportionate amount of your mind's awareness.
And that brings us back to the week's exercises of coming to a state of ease. When we are able to resist the unfair tactics of our spiraling emotions and remain in a state of ease, we can see that, in this example; there are indeed many aspects of social interaction that are rewarding and pleasant, all of which have been overshadowed by the nagging antics of a spiraling emotion attempting to persist itself into the center of the stage.
As for Sarah's comment about one or many, I would say the answer is "What ever works for you". the goal isn't the recollection, the goal is the ability to delay, avoid or circumvent a run-away emotion at the time of your choosing. I.e. CONTROL.
I think you're doing it just fine, Maureen :)
ReplyDeleteSarah, I have olfactory hallucinations frequently; what does your neuroscience teachings tell you about this? They typically happen if I'm thinking about a certain scent or watching something on TV -- I'll begin to smell Mom's spaghetti sauce that I'm craving or smell the fresh cut grass in the landscaping commercial. Does this make me special?